FeMENist - Men's inclusion within the feminist movement.

Hello interfriends,

I had a great day today. I got to hang out with some wonderful and musically talented friends and sing my little heart out. The sun was shining. The birds were harmonizing. The jambes were improvising. It was cool. After dropping 250 dollars on a registration fee, I officially became a member of the Alberta Youth Choir today. Tomorrow I get to hang out with two of my favourite bands, along with a choice selection of compadres to celebrate our new and awesome place of residence. Life is good. I am happy.

And now I'm going to talk about something that I am not happy with.

If you haven't figured this out yet, I am a feminist. I'd say that was pretty obvious, judging by some of my subject matter (Also it says the word feminist at the top of the page now), but I just wanted to make that painfully clear. I don't really see the word as a source of fear or anxiety, but I know that several do, which is partly why I am writing this today.

More specifically I wanted to talk about men and their involvement (or lack thereof) in the feminist movement. Before anybody gets annoyed or uncomfortable (god forbid) I would just like to say right now that I am wholeheartedly pro-male-involvement. To me it is obvious that no movement can succeed when half the population is not allowed to participate. To me, and many other feminists out there, the male half of the world is the most important part of the feminist movement, because they are the privileged percentage, and just like it would be pretty hard to eradicate racism without convincing white people that it exists, we won't get very far without the help of a few good men (not to mention the transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, etc. population). I also acknowledge that there are several women who don't identify as feminists. And that's fine. But that's not what I'm talking about right now.

What I want to talk about has to do with my experiences with feminist and feminist-friendly men. I have heard and read the accounts of several men who are all for gender equality, but are upset about the lack of desire on feminist women's account to include them. I understand where you're coming from. It's really hard when all you want to do is help someone and they really just seem not to want your help. I GET IT. But at the same time, it would really benefit you to take a step back and evaluate the situation.

You might run in to a woman or two who are legitimately frightened and suspicious of men. Your first response may be to think "That's just reverse sexism" -- sidebar - there is no such thing as reverse sexism, btw, discriminating against men is still just plain sexism -- but when you take into account that 1 in 6 women in America is the victim of sexual assault, I hope you will reconsider. With such an apalling statistic, it's almost surprising that more women aren't terrified of men in general. Maybe this woman has a reason to be afraid. Just because you, one individual, have not and do not intend to harm her does not mean that the damage hasn't already been done. If you were the victim of repeated abuse or oppression, you might be a little afraid of people who share similarities to your abuser. Please, please, try to be sensitive to others' possible experiences and understand that yours is not necessarily the same as everyone else's.

I invite you to consider the fact that a lot women are simply tired of the fact that almost everyone treats male as the default and focuses on the achievements of men, and maybe they just want a little something of their own, you know? Maybe they are looking for a safe place where they can be accepted and cherished, rather than being bombarded with images of men being successful, while having a difficult time finding images of women in positions of power or equality rather than that of female objectification. Think about how annoying and hurtful it might be if you just found out you had cancer, and some douchebag was all like "Hey! Cancer also makes me sad, so shut up and listen to how this is all about me!" Sadly, similar situations happen within the feminist community happen ALL.THE.TIME. So maybe you can see how it gets a little exhausting after a while. Try to make sure that you are actively listening to and thinking about the feminists you meet and not just looking for someone to pick an argument with.

Like any other large group of people, there is huge diversity within the feminist community, and we're just not going to agree on everything. For this reason, it is useful to remember that one feminist =/= all feminists. There are those women out there who identify as feminists who plain old hate men. They exist. That doesn't mean we all share that sentiment. In fact, I am pretty confident with the statement that most of us don't, but I could be wrong. I read an article today that is actually what reminded me to make this post. Warning - this link has one gigantic trigger warning attached to it. Seriously graphic language and photo included. But it is an example of one feminist who definitely does not represent us all and perpetuates the stereotype that feminists see all men as rapists and murderers. My point with this is that you (and by you i mean feminist or open-minded men) are going to run into people with this opinion. My hope is that you will take that worldview with a grain of salt.

I could probably go on and on for a few more paragraphs about this, but for sleep and ease of consideration's sake, I'm gonna stop here and hope that this helps, even a little bit, to persuade any skeptics. I invite you to PLEASE do as much reading on the subject as you can. There are so many fascinating books, articles, websites blogs, facebook pages, etc. that can truly change your world, so don't be afraid. In fact, I'm gonna give a shout out to two of my favourite:
- Unpacking the "F" Word is an awesome facebook page which posts a ton of really diverse topics and is extremely intersectional and positive. So many great, informative articles, videos, photos, etc.
-justanotherfeminist is one rockin' instagram account with super educational and uplifting posts. The really impressive part is that this girl is only, like, 16 or something but she's got the wisdom of someone much older. I learn something new pretty much every day from this lady.

-BRETT OUT-

Restricted Mobility.

Heyoooo.

So I can't get a cat because my roomate is allergic. Also I'm allergic. So there's that. But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get me one of these :)

They're beautiful, I don't even care.

After having Norbert, my hedgehog, and Gus, my fish (R.I.P.), I decided I never want to own another pet that I have to keep in a cage. This whole pet thing is pretty new and exciting to me, and I didn't know for sure what to expect owning a pet for the first time. I got Norbert and Gus because they're pretty low maintenance, and I did do my research before buying them to get an idea of what it would be like. But after having Gus die after about 2 weeks (I took care of him, I swear! Don't yell at meeeee :'( ) I was left feeling really bad. Not the normal pet dying grieving thing. I just felt like his whole life probably sucked and it was partially my fault. I didn't abuse him or anything, I just feel like swimming around in an enclosed space for days on end probably isn't the cat's (fish's?) meow. With Gus, I feel kind of the same. It's not that I don't like him, but I can't exactly cuddle with him. Hedgehogs could honestly care less if you love them or not. And that makes me sad. Because I'm not really providing him with anything better than he could get on his own in the wild. So I've decided to only get pets from now on that 1) can have free roam of the house and 2) appreciate my love. I just want some cat love waaaaaah :(

Now, for something completely different.

Have you or one of your male friends ever complained about the lack of selection in men's clothing? I sure have, and I always kind of agreed that it sucks that there are infinitely more choices in women's fashion. But then, yesterday, it occurred to me: women have more clothing options because most women accept clothes that cause discomfort without a second thought. I'm not saying that all women do or should wear clothes that are uncomfortable, or that men don't ever wear uncomfortable clothing, but I do feel, as a woman, that I am expected to wear things that make me uncomfortable or inconvenience me just to look "feminine". I always kind of thought it sucked, but I never really thought about the implications, aside from the red marks from the waistbands of my jeans or the sore feet I get from wearing uncomfortable shoes. 

Think about it, though; how many women do you think haven't fully participated in something because their clothing simply didn't allow for it? How many girls do you think didn't jump off the high board because they were afraid their bikini would move around? How many ladies were unable even to bend over because their skirt was too short? How many women couldn't breathe because their dress was too tight? Or couldn't kiss because they didn't want to ruin their lipstick? Or couldn't run and play and jump and kick because their jeans couldn't stretch that far or their hair might get messed up.

I don't believe there's anything wrong with wearing any of these things if you do it for you or you love it, but it hurts me that the ideologies that shaped this clothing, that held me back, even exist. It hurts me that I have to decide between feeling sexy or being able to move. It hurts me that this clothing hurts me. 

-Brett.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does.

Hello!

I apologize for not posting in a ridiculously long time. I have had a lot on my mind and I wanted to make my next post a good one.

I wanted to bring up something that has been really irking me lately. I've never really talked about this with anyone at all, and I'm still kind of developing my thoughts around it so far. Has anyone else noticed that every time you watch a video on Youtube, or look at a picture on Facebook, the comment section below inevitably deteriorates into a few commenters arguing back and forth over who's the stupidest? I can look at Instagram on any given day and find conversations like this one:

How many times a day do you hear someone say the words "That's dumb!", "idiotic!", or "stupid!"? I'm not going to waste my breath and say that intelligence isn't a good thing, because that's untrue, and I know that I probably have higher intelligence than normal, but not everybody in the world is really smart, and that's O.K. It's not as though all the people in the world with IQs below 130 live a life of poverty and despair.
I just wanted to question for a moment why it's so acceptable to discriminate against a person based upon their intelligence. A person can't choose how smart they are any more than they get to decide what colour their eyes are, or whether or not they have a genetic predisposition towards breast cancer. You also have to consider that just because one person comes across "dumb" in one situation, doesn't mean you know anything about that person. You have no idea what's going on in that magnificent brain of theirs. Maybe they have a hard time voicing what they're thinking. Maybe they have a learning disorder but are a genius with a paintbrush. Maybe they could solve the world's problems because their brain works a little differently than all the "smart" kids. The fact that someone has a different opinion than your doesn't make them stupid, it makes them the most wonderfully useful person in the world to have around because they are somebody you can learn something from.
It is my humble opinion that "stupid" people don't exist, that they are simply made up to put people's minds at ease when they face a difficult problem. It's a whole lot easier to simply dismiss someone as "stupid" than to take the time to look at a situation from another human being's point of view and understand what would make them come to the conclusion that they have.
I was watching a TEDtalks video (Where have these been all my life, amiright?) recently, and in it, Kathryn Schulz was discussing our society's inherent fear of being wrong. One of the most poignant and relatable points of her talk was a list of assumptions people make when they run into an individual with a differing opinion than theirs, and it goes in this order:

1. This person is ignorant!
2. This person is an idiot!
3. This person is evil!

Numbers 1 and 2 really got me because I know that this has definitely run through my mind before when trying to make my point to someone, and I see this every time I look at a controversial forum or thread, and it couldn't be more false. Kathryn goes on to beautifully describe how being wrong is every individual's best trait. What makes you great is not everything that you do or know or believe or see that is exactly right, it's the "wrong" bits. That's what makes you awesome. What sets you apart. What makes you see animals in clouds and pronounce words wrong or paint purple skies instead of blue ones, and it's AWESOME. You should really watch the video because she made it sound a lot less cheesy than I did.

My point is--stupid is subjective, and if you never take the time to appreciate and understand people you write off as "stupid", you're missing out. The saddest part is, a lot of people are truly gonna believe that they are stupid, and they are never going to realize their potential. They will believe every person who has ever told them that they can't do something because they're too stupid. Maybe they'll never cure cancer or solve world hunger or achieve world peace because everyone said they just weren't smart enough.

I leave you with these photos of Professor Snape and Marilyn Manson -- and they said Hogwarts wasn't real.

Brett :)

Marriage

Hello folks,

A couple days ago I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of a very old friend of mine. I wanted to be there to support her, but at the same time, I harbour some very strong feelings about marriage.

Before you go getting any set ideas of me in your head, I'm not one of those "Don't-get-married-you're- throwing-away-your-freedom" types. It's more that I don't really understand the purpose of it. Obviously, the original intent of marriage was to make their union holy. While I understand that not everyone out there is an atheist, I can also comfortably say that a good chunk of the population is. I know there are a lot of atheist spouses out there, so my question is why?

From what I have gleaned, my understanding is that marriage is apparently the ultimate commitment to your significant other. However, with divorce rates at 40% in Canada, it doesn't really seem to mean that much anyway. I'm not saying that people shouldn't get divorced. It's definitely the best option in a lot of cases. I'm saying that divorce is hardly different than breaking up now. To me, it shows a lot more commitment to stay together when you're not married than if you are. I think that people who should be together end up staying together, regardless of whether they are married or not, and I think that marriage is used as excuse for incompatible people to stay together.

Then, there's also the part where weddings are expensive. A wedding can put a couple into debt for a long while, which, in turn, puts more strain on the relationship. Why not just spend more time with your loved ones without spending money? Or you could take the money that you would normally spend on a wedding, and go travelling every year. Or start a business. Or go to school. You get my point.

I also believe that a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons. I'm not just talking about marrying for money or power. I'm talking more along the lines of marrying for attention. There's a lot of people who get married because they want people to make a big fuss over them. Then, once the honeymoon's over, they realize that they're stuck with this person that maybe they didn't even really want to be with, or that they didn't know well enough. I think there is also a prevailing belief that marriage is some ultimate goal to work towards, and once you have it, everything works out and you live happily ever after. The truth is that marriage is no different than any other relationship, except there's a million times more pressure to stay together. This can have catastrophic effects on even the best of couples.

Marriage is the byproduct of a ridiculous set of expectations for the most difficult to control of human functions. It says that you should love one way and not the other, one person and not the other. It goes completely against human nature, which is not monogamy as is seemingly the only acceptable path right now. It sets people up for oppression, confusion, and if they fail, disgrace, embarrassment and judgement. Marriage is not equally available for everybody. Marriage is defined differently depending on who you ask, and getting married defines you as someone apart from these other people who aren't permitted to get married, as different, or even better than these people. There are enough differences in the world splitting people apart, that marriage, the intended union of people, shouldn't be one of them.

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this, and I would love it if you gave me some opinions or feedback here, or at brett_bonk@yahoo.ca,

Brett

Dreadlocks: An Introduction

Hello there!

About a week ago, I gave dreadlocks to my very first paying customer. I have done several sets in the past, but they were for close friends, and it was very much a learning process.

These were my dreadlocks, the day after I got them.

Again, at about a month and a half old.

In the process of making Zach's dreads, using wax :(

This is my friend Zach, after about 4 and a half months.

 

 
My boyfriend's dreads immediately after completion!

Evan's dreads after I discovered the felting needle.

This is what Evan's dreads look like today, after 9 months. Pretty freaking awesome.

 While this milestone was understandably pretty exciting for me, it also got me thinking about how little people really know about dreadlocks. While most people my age probably know at least one person with dreadlocks, it is surprising to hear some of the ridiculous assumptions made about this unique 'do. I've had people ask if you're supposed to put honey or toothpaste in them, if you get them from not washing your hair, and the general consensus is that they are disgusting and dirty.

The first thing everyone should know is that they are not any dirtier/cleaner than regular hair. It is true that there are some people out there with gross dreadlocks, but I can say with confidence that there are a lot of people out there with really dirty gross hair that isn't anywhere near dreadlocks. The truth is that you actually need to keep them quite clean, or you're going to be waiting for a long time for them to lock up. Think about it; grease is slippery, and slippery hair is not going to hold knots. However, most people with regular, unlocked hair tend to over wash it, so the once every week or two washing might seem insufficient. When you don't wash your hair with commercial shampoos, you don't have to wash as often, which I explain in my very first blog post. Eventually, your hair can get to the point where you never have to wash it with anything except water, whether or not you have dreadlocks. This is admittedly a little easier when you have dreadlocks, because you don't really have to worry about your hair looking greasy in the transition phase.

The other thing I hear all the time is that dreadlocks are for lazy people who don't want to have to do anything with their hair. It's true that you can get a set of dreadlocks, never touch them again and try to let them work themselves out, but they're most likely going to look like ass. If you want dreadlocks that actually look maintained, there is a lot of work that goes into them, especially when they're fresh. Until your dreads are mature (at least a year old) they are probably going to require more time than you spent on your hair before you had dreads. They will want to grow together at the roots, so you'll have to take time to keep them separated. You're going to get a lot of loose hairs at the scalp, so if you don't want a big fuzz ball, you have to tuck those hairs in, and I really recommend a felting needle to help keep those hairs inside the dread, and not popping back out in a couple hours. You really have to make a habit of rolling your dreads to keep them round and rubbing the roots to make sure they grow in as dreads. There's lots of videos on how to do this stuff, but I would recommend ryanoriley1 on youtube. He obviously did a lot of research, because he gives a lot of really sound advice, and he talks about pretty much everything to do with dreads, and he also posts really regularly, so you get a chance to see the locking process, and realize that it's normal for dreads to look a little rough at first, and still turn out amazing!

One more really important thing to know is that you shouldn't ever put any substance in your dreads if you can avoid it. Big dread product companies like DreadheadHQ and Knotty Boy are usually the first links that come up on google when you're trying to find information on dreads and they do have a lot of sound information. They are, however, trying to sell something, so they try and make it seem necessary to use a lot of products, when they're not only unnecessary, but can be really harmful. NEVER EVER USE WAX. Please. Just trust me. It's uncomfortable, it looks bad, it will NEVER come out of your dreads, and it can cause it to smell weird and the worst case scenario is that it can grow mould inside the dreads and then the only solution is to cut them off.

Sad waxy gunk that stays in your dreads forever :(

 The only "products" I use on dreadlocks is baking soda for washing (occasionally), and maybe some saltwater to help it lock up a little faster (optional). You can use a lemon juice/water spray to lighten the colour, and there's a lot of different beads and ornaments you can buy, or even make. I would absolutely hate to see someone spend the time and effort that go into having dreads, only to have them ruined because some idiot told them to put toothpaste in their hair.

These are just a few main tips that I put down here. I could really go on and on. I'm probably going to do more posts in the future, and if anyone has any questions or suggestions for future posts, PLEASE let me know! my email is brett_bonk@yahoo.ca, or you can comment below. I would really love to get some feedback.

Catch ya later,
Brett

Living.

Hello friends!

We just got back from a road trip to British Columbia.

Needless to say, it was spectacular. I look forward to spending a lot of time there one day. 

It really made me think about why exactly modern human beings live the way they do. Why is the mundane life of nice house, beautiful spouse, high-paying job the penultimate goal? Why do people choose to live in miserable, cold, desperate environments where they have work so much harder to survive? 

Some would say that the most impressive quality in the human race is their adaptability to any situation, but in a way it's pretty sad. It means a lot of people spent most of their lives just trying to survive, rather than thriving in an environment they're adapted to. Obviously different environments spawn diverse and beautiful cultures, but if you have to change everything about your habitat to make it livable, that isn't very desirable or responsible is it? Why would so many people choose to live in a harsh environment for generations rather choosing one that is obviously more suited to them. Work smart, not hard!

I hope to never be fooled into working my life away, in pursuit of a false dream. I hope to never be convinced that I need things that I obviously don't. I hope I never decided to trade in my life for money.

If you think about it, money is a pretty clever trick. In return for what works out to about a quarter of your life, you get a whole lot of paper, which you trade in for what you are told you need to be successful and survive. Why not just spend that time growing, cultivating and creating what you really need yourself?

Just something to think about,

Brett

Knitwhit!

Hello blog cohorts!

If you've noticed that I haven't been posting a lot at all lately, it might be because I haven't been inspired to write lately. It might also be because I have been knitting and crocheting a heapload. Both knitting and crocheting are skills that I learned at a fairly young age, and have recently fell in love with. After about five months attempting to knit a sock however, my passion receded for a spell. Luckily it has been revived! I crocheted a toque, a cell phone case, a small bag, and a belt and knit a lovely scarf.

My scarf!

Aaand a phone case.

I can't really begin to explain the immense amount of gratification I feel being able to produce something that I can wear or use for years for such a small amount of money, all the while experiencing the joy of creation! The only problem is that now I want to spin my own yarn which isn't really feasible while I'm living in town with my boyfriend's parents... sigh. 

I think my spare time is going to be occupied knitting/crocheting gifts for people. Which is great because I hate gift shopping. And the ordeal of receiving unnecessary/awkward gifts. 

One very cool thing: I bought a home-mushroom-growing kit thing and it's so neeeeat!

On a totally different note, we're moving to Victoria! Yahoo! I am so excited, partially because I am hoping I might be able to attempt growing a bougainvillaea :) 

Also, the possibility of being able to grow a garden somewhere where the lowest average winter temperature is 3 degrees is overjoying. I think I could probably build an overwinter garden frame and be able to have at least some veggies in January!

I will leave you with this link to a awesome crochet toque pattern that I used that was super easy and only took about 4 hours!

Until next time,

Brett